HOUSTON CHRONICLE / SECTION B

For crime and misery
You can’t beat section B
Add some deaths
Then some weather
Put in some ads
And mix ‘em together

Today’s headlines:
Woman stabbed in home
Man kills brother
Police find 12 bodies
2 shot dead
Man to die for killing officer

There is some better news:
Relief is on the way
CEO indicted
A friendship evolves
Prom night is treat for seniors
(Hope they got luckier than I on my prom night)

How about the bizarre:
Libido pill for women stirs debate about desire
Newlywed female cheaters find more success in Texas
Cabbie extorts 10% tip
(I told you 10% was sufficient)
And my favorite - Man who lost arm to get new furnace

And then there’s stuff that not news to me:
Professor says there is lots to learn
Industry needs regulation
Put down the cell phone when you’re driving
Age is no excuse for bigotry
Hard work needed

And finally there are exhortations:
Change your life
Shop smarter and slim down
Blame the person in the mirror
Whine and Dine
(Though I think Dine and Whine is chronologically more correct)

As Walter always said
“And that’s the way it is”
Now I’ve got to solve the Jumble
See what Dilbert is doing
And maybe get a new furnace
Before I have to amputate my own arm